Exploring the Depths of a Mother's Heart: What Does it Really Mean?

 I didn't lose myself in motherhood. Quite the opposite, I found much of who I was created to be in what these little souls brought out of me—what needed to be healed, shifted, and uncovered. A few months ago, I was rocking my baby girl—my third baby, my first girl. I was thanking God for this tiny miracle (she is the sweetest), but in the same breath, I expressed how shattered I felt my mother's heart indeed was.

How could I be filled with such gratitude and grief simultaneously? Well, in the not-so-distant past, our third adoption didn't come to fruition. While I had given birth to three healthy, beautiful gifts from Heaven, my heart desired to adopt a little girl and give her the love and safety she deserved. In our first adoption, shortly before we were to board a plane to meet our daughter, it was discovered in an FBI raid that the agency we'd been working with was trafficking children. Of course, this is horrific. What made it worse was that I worked in anti-trafficking and didn't even realize what had been happening in our case. (Orphanage trafficking is an all too common practice I now work to eradicate and bring awareness to.) Following that, we attempted to bring home another child. Years later, it didn't turn out as I'd envisioned.

The sufferings of children so profoundly move me. The feeling of being forgotten, overlooked, unwanted... I can personally relate to all of that. My parents weren't the parents I needed, and my childhood was often filled with witnessing domestic violence, drug addiction and alcoholism, sex trafficking, neglect, and homelessness. I know what it is to feel like no one is coming. Because of the selfless generosity and unprecedented love of family members, I also know what it is to have people save you from the road you never wanted to be on in the first place. For that, I am forever grateful.

When things abruptly ended for many unexpected reasons, to say I was shattered is the understatement of a lifetime. I was deeply wrecked and felt I would never, ever get out of that pit of depression, grief, and disappointment. Why didn't God show up in the way I was so sure He would? Why wouldn't He bring this child home when I was positive He'd told us to embark on that journey in the first place? How would I ever feel anything but pain from this loss? I had felt like I intimately knew the children we'd been adopting - as much as I knew the babies I'd carried in my womb. And yet, this motherhood journey was not turning out like I'd thought.

And so there I was, both thanking and grieving to God about my Mother's Heart. I don't have all of the answers, sis. I wish I did. I can say that I have felt the closeness of God and the restoration of my broken heart throughout these very unique, unexpected seasons following what I can only describe as the loss of children through adoption. I have not miscarried, but I am familiar with profound, soul-wounding loss. God often gives us caveats in our testimony that, quite frankly, we never wished to add to our resume. But I can say with great confidence that when I think of what a mother's heart is, I see ridiculous hope, unending love, and unparalleled strength. I will continue to guard and guide the children I get to hold in my arms and who were birthed from my body, and I will never cease to pray over and remember the children who were born from my heart.

A mother's heart is a facet of God's heart that is both beautiful and fierce, willing to sacrifice, and readily available to comfort. Once it is awakened within you, it will never cease to be. So whether you're holding children in your heart, your prayers, or your arms, know that God sees your mother's heart. He put it inside of you, and I am celebrating all of the highs and lows alongside you. You're not alone, mama.